Feature: The Mushroom Kingdom
This piece was heavily influenced by the guys over at http://www.cracked.com and is done in the syle of their great articles.
Using the main six canon games that have featured the Mushroom Kingdom (SMB1, Lost-levels SMB3, SM64, NSMB and NSMBWii) it’s quite easy to see the Mushroom Kingdom is one of the craziest places you could ever live. Please note this will take into consideration that the 7 main lands of SMB3 are all part of the kingdom and not seven separate kingdoms as has been theorised in other places.
10)It is a place of absolute annihilation.
Pick a Mario game, any Mario game as long as it has the mushroom Kingdom in it. Think back to the first level, I went back to SMB1, the very first level where we see the Mushroom Kingdom. Here’s a sentry, we shall call him Goomba, he’s dead by us jumping on his head. Go through that level, there are seventeen Goombas and a Koopa Troopa, by the time you have finished World one Level one you have killed eighteen members of the invading forces. Add to that the 30 blocks you’ve just smashed for no real reason, imagine this desolate place of smashed objects and dead members of the opposing army. That is when you neglect to take in:
9)The Mushroom Kingdom’s been invaded over more times than Poland
OK lets consider JUST the canon side of things, you know the score…the Princess has been kidnapped, but with that also comes the take over of the entire Kingdom. Now I’ve read certain theories that have determined that these take overs are so severe that they actually have time to build castles in every town. I don’t think that’s the case, I think that they simply use the ruins from the last castle there. However why are there so many castles? You’d almost think the Kingdom had been at war for many a year before hand. Oh wait, this is painfully obvious. Princess Peach of the Toadstool’s is a human, just like the other kingly rulers shown in SMB3, but who else are humans aside from the Mario Bros.? Her parents that are implied (I’ll get to that in a bit) but no one else. These are all tell tale signs that the “humans” have done a take over of the Kingdom. How did they do this?
8)The humans are Scientific geniuses
Think of a power up, there are shit loads. Who uses these? You don’t see Toad using them, you don’t see Bowser and his crew using them. Yup it’s Mario or Luigi who use them, Fire flowers to Tanooki suits. Flight to fire, to Ice, to turning into a Penguin or even a statue. This builds up the dominance over the Bowser army and definitely over the Mushrooms of said Kingdom. Why are the Mushroom’s happy with this? Well we know from SMB3 that there are 7 wands dotted around the land seemingly magic, but I stand on the more scientific side of things. Using these they can influence the key members of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Mushroom’s themselves have become brainwashed. Using propaganda techniques mixed with scientific advances, they will never want to overthrow the King themselves. I’ll mention the cloning theory later.
7)The King has been dead for a long time, and not many people know this
Who rules the Mushroom Kingdom? It’s a Kingdom and by definition is ruled by a King or Queen, a Principality would be ruled by a Prince or Princess. Have we seen the King or Queen? The King has a mention in the SMB1 manual, all we know is he’s the father of Princess Toadstool, non canon he has a few comic appearances but hasn’t been mentioned canonically for twenty five years. Of course everyone still looks up to the King, he was the hero who took over the land from the tyrannical beast who was before (see point 2). To lose him would be like North Korea losing Kim Jong-il but I’m sure the Kingdom wouldn’t crumble without him, the people love Princess Peach, heck the King himself dedicated his own castle into the care of his daughter renaming it Peaches Castle. So why the hell doesn’t she just come out and admit it? Oh that’s because…
6)Princess Peach is blooming crazy
OK she must have been about 18 the first time she was kidnapped, our fiery red head was saved by the Super Mario Bros., at the time she had seven advisor’s who would disguise themselves as her (maybe using the science mentioned in point three), this happens in SMB1 and Lost-levels, now going on with current tradition that she gets kidnapped on her birthday, I say that the king dies sometime after her 19th birthday. With that she goes bat shit crazy. She dies her hair blonde, re-writes the history books to say that she had never had red hair, eventually she drops the toadstool and calls herself Peach. Add into that the fact that she often will have sporting tournaments in her kingdom (golf/tennis/karting) with a guy who has kidnapped her several times is just outrageous. We’ll not even get into the fact that she’s about 23 and probably doing a man in his forties. Seriously she’s a young 20’s blonde princess and picks a fat Italian American plumber?! Oh I’ve been kidnapped on my Birthday AGAIN I can’t wait until next year when I have another birthday party, oh I better invite the Super Mario Bros. just in case. How they going to get here? Using the wonderful transport system.
5)The transport system is worse than an Amish community during “no horses” allowed month
OK lets go canonically here. Modes of transport? Dinosaurs? Warp Pipes? Erm we’ve seen some others in the Mario Land and Kart series’ but lets forget them for now. OK lets start with the Dinosaur mode of transport, hereby referred to as Yoshi. We don’t really know the deal with Yoshi’s, sometimes they can fire fireballs, sometimes they’re only permitted in certain areas of the kingdom, sometimes they hate water, sometimes they can swim. All in all it’s a very unreliable source of transportation which is probably due to the fact that most Yoshi’s are used as transport straight from birth, maybe some time to develop would do the job, but alas no, straight from birth…It’s what we expect from the Mushroom Kingdom What about warp Pipes. Jump in one to get somewhere else, genius. That is if they bloody worked. Back to the SMB1 world 1 level 1.six pipes, one warp in, one warp out. A one way system that’s terrible, it usually drops you underground and then back up (quite often not further along in the level) and we’ll ignore the giant Piranha plants that are usually in them At least it usually gives you something like one of the wonderful scientific devices or money, lots and lots of money. You have to love the Mushroom Kingdom’s economy.
4)The Economy is more baffling than our economy
Think of money in the Mushroom Kingdom. It’s littered all over the place, why would anyone do that? What about the housing? We maybe see two or three Mushroom houses per sector of the Kingdom but they usually have one Mushroom with no furniture giving away some expensive piece of scientific equipment to the human overlords. The Mushrooms live in poverty yet the “King” can afford to rebuild castles after every invasion that happens (and I’ll get onto the crazy landscape in a bit). What the heck is going on? Well by the looks of it they seem to have banned the Mushrooms from actually trading using cash, and money is for humans only, either that or humans and mushrooms have things at different prices. That is why there’s so much left around the wasteland, kind of like the famous scenes of Deutsch Marks in wheelbarrows. Now imagine that scene, whereby 10,000,000 would buy a Toady loaf of bread for Mushrooms and 100 for humans would be able to clone life. Did you just say clone life?
3)It’s like the prestige in that mother fo’ing place
If you haven’t seen the Prestige, go away, watch it and come back. It’s quite a good film if you ask me. If you haven’t seen it and you’re going to continue reading, beware this contains Spoilers!
OK well I warned you…
As you know a machine is created which forms a duplicate, the original is killed off and the duplicate carries on with the memories etc. of the original. This is what happens in the Mushroom kingdom, how often has Mario died? Shit loads. How does he keep coming back? Obviously this technique. What’s amazing though is for Mario (and Luigi) it costs only 100 coins to create a new clone as well as free clone Mushrooms being dotted around the land. Remember this is the place where it costs 10,000,000 for a loaf of bread yet unethical
2)The landscape is very weird
Typical grassland, a desert, a flooded area, some area where they have put toxins in the water to make everything gigantic, an area in the sky where you can walk on clouds, an ice covered land, and an area that is a 100% pipe addicted zone. Add into that random things such as this:
They serve no purpose whatsoever, why not design them to stay still? Why spin around? This is just very very silly.
1)It’s just a fictional place in a fictional game
I doubt they gave it much thought on the ins and outs…..or did they?